I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
