No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
