Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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