So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
