If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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