He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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