community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
