you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
You're a waste of cheezeits
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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