I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
