woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
