As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
