I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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