I feel great
I just peed on a car
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
