either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
two words: eviction party
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
