God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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