Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
