I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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