he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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