we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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