today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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