Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
