I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
This is my gift to your gina
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
