The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
