So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
