We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
