Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
