And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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