i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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