Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
