here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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