'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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