She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Randomize
