If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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