you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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