pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
