She said her name was "party"
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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