I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
