If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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