So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize