my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
