Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
