Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
