My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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