Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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