Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
