Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
