i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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