I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
