im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
