Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
