I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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