I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
