Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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