I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize