my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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